divorced hearts mending

…allow it to happen.


July 2013

Batter UP!!

Couple taking photos.

Next batter-batter-batter up! Who is going to be next? Lord what will he or she look like? She’s cute. He’s cute. These are one of the many thoughts that a person has after divorce or a significant break up has. Then of course because you can’t just blink like “I dream of Jeanie” you look at every person that crosses your path and casually think maybe they could be the one. Are you even ready for that is the multi-million dollar question?

People that I have spoken to about their divorce or break-up have said that it has taken them 6, 8, and even 10 years just to be able to date!!! That just does not sound encouraging me! Initially that is, but now I totally understand it! I remember a little before and right after my divorce that I would talk to this great guy that gave me some really sound advice. He told me to take 1 year at least, just for myself to be single after my divorce was final. He choose to be single for 5 after his. However I was drawn to his sensitivity and care for me during that very difficult time in my life and we began to have a very genuine connection which led to us falling for one another, but because I was so fresh out of my marriage he expressed his extreme caution to proceed with me. Needless to say, it did not work out because he was falling for me from a whole place and me from a broken-fix me place. He choose to stay away! Wise decision. I do not know why I hate to admit this, but he was right. I was not ready. I would have been using him as a replacement. I wanted to soothe the loneliness. I wanted that closeness that I was ripped from me. I was hurting so very badly from my “divorce fall out” that I would have hurt two great people if we would have gotten into a relationship, him and me.

I am learning that you have to decide that your healing is mandatory! It is wise to desire a whole heart for the next person that deserves it, to be loved from. Choosing to stay alone is one of the best choices that one can make after a divorce or a long relationship break up. Think of it as recuperation time. Time for you to reinvent yourself and stabilize your emotions. Time for you to become intimate with you. It is a must. I am now taking my own advice. The truth is I have not been listening, so now my ears are wide open!


It’s Black or White? Uhhhhh

It's Black or White? Uhhhhh.

It’s Black or White? Uhhhhh


Uhhhhh no. It’s not black or white, nothing is. There are so many levels of understanding that goes into why something happens, why a person does something or not, or why one person may choose to live one life versus another.
A black and white perspective won’t get an answer if it refuses to acknowledge any other colors.

Can a divorce be black, or white? No. A divorce will NEVER be, because it encompasses the colors of each person’s feelings, the accusations of who did what wrong, and the anger of horrible things said. There is a broader perspective of understanding that is needed when dealing with divorce because it involved two.

As a divorcee I have spent many hours trying to understand what went wrong in black or white, but I see it is clearly more complicated than that. So, as I have grown and grow more everyday. I have been forced to recognize the other colors that this divorce made visible. When I think about my then marriage I can now learn from it versus crying over my “what I could have done betters”. I accept that turning back the hands of time is not possible but, I embrace the future of being aware of how to do things better.

What is my point? I can see better now. You will be able to as well. As the dust of this divorce continues to settle I realize that I am willing to take all the fall out from my divorce, and foundationally understand that there were two humans in that marriage, and that those two humans are more complicated than merely “black and white”. You and I can’t stay on the surface when trying to get to the root of something. If we want to understand it, then our perspective has to be willing to shift. You and I simply must be willing to look deeper so that we can understand better.

LGD: As Long As….


Life Giving Declaration: “As long as my hearts beats; there is still a chance for me.” What is it that you want to do the most? What makes you want to smile ear to ear at the risk of a very uncomfortable face ache? We have all heard it; failure is a part of the success of making it. Rejection is a part of the journey. However I think that we tend to give up because we forget to give ourselves the chances we need to make it, therefore pronouncing our own death and writing our own obituaries. It sounds dramatic but it is so true. Why do we not fight for ourselves like we fight for others. Why don’t we deserve another chance?

We significantly demote our own value and put ourselves on the dollar store shelf before anyone else has the chance to do it. You have got to say it aloud and believe it, “As long as my heart beats; there is still a chance for me.” Be kinder to yourself. Forgive yourself. Believe in yourself. Make allowances for your own faults. Extend love to you. Simply give yourself another chance and another one after that and another one after that. Whatever it takes for you to get to that next level. Resolve within you that you are able to get past your own failures so that you can learn and grow as a person. No one can be you quite as well. So remember that as long as your heart beats there is still a chance for YOU! If God is willing to, shouldn’t you be?

God I’m Listening

Woman Listening to Headphones

Have you ever felt like you have learned a lesson that could not be taught any other way other than you to go through it? A lesson sometimes can not be learned while taking notes. It is liken to a person with on the job experience versus a person that has only a degree in that field. Knowing the technicalities of living cannot help you when life shoves us in the back or when a problem gets you with a really good sucker punch. You can’t prepare. You have to just live it.

People always asks how does one hear God? You must listen when it is so loud that you can’t think. You have to listen when your sense of hearing is being obstructed. Then you have to listen with your eyes, your heart, and your being. God is speaking all the time all around you. Tune in, turn up the volume, and tell God, “God I’m listening.”

LGD: I Am Capable of….


Life Giving Declaration: “I am capable of making a solid decision.” The word of God says that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. This scripture is a slice of wisdom that keeps on giving. However I want to offer you this slice of wisdom regarding this declaration. The need for you to be reassured in being able to make your mind up is important!!! Why am I emphasizing it like that? Because if you don’t choose, someone will, if you don’t know what you want to eat, someone may order something you hate (hehehe), and if you don’t know what people to add or remove from your life, you could be surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Definitely don’t take that chance!

Personally, I am one of those people that find myself taking wayyy to long to make a decision on which dish to get at a restaurant, changing my mind even though I wanted to follow my first mind, and yielding to the pressure of what other people want because they seem sooooo very competent right? NOT!!! I am honestly not a total push over but I am finding that this indecisiveness is really taking its toll on me. It is truly the small foxes that spoil the vine. I find indecisiveness contributing to self doubt and stirring up confusion at times. Do I want this or that, that or this? This may sound far fetched to those of you that can make a decision and not look back, but to someone (like me) that deals with being indecisive it can be a real nuisance and at the end of the day it results in a lack of trust in one’s self (in myself).

I am admittedly a work in progress. Nevertheless, I am finding a way to combat it. 1) I am thinking my choices through and 2) DECIDING where I want to stand and then I go from there. 3) I am beginning to see each decision through to the end while 4) giving myself permission to learn from those decisions successful or not. 5) I pray for clarity. 6) I pray for wisdom. 7) I pray for each part of my being to be on one accord and do the proper check and balances to ensure that they are. It is taking practice. All we need is consistency, not perfection. You have got to learn to trust who you are and your choices.

LGD: When God Allows….


Life Giving Declaration: “When God allows me to face my consequences, I will accept it. I will learn from it. I will do it different next time.” All the condemnation that we bring upon ourselves isn’t necessary. The fore mentioned declarations is all God needs. He just wants to know that we got it. Our decisions, choices, and actions are our own. Take responsibility for the decisions, choices, and actions that were not in alignment with what God outlined for you. Our conscience bares witness with what we do daily. It is God-given. It is so easy to be mad at God and believe me I have been ticked off at God! I had every right I meditated, but I had neglected to take responsibility for my part. God is not strong arming us into obedience. It is a decision. It is a choice. There were choices to be made, and I made them knowing that there was better options. He gives us direction and like a simple STOP; we either do it or we don’t.

God simply wants us to confess that we are willing to mature past placing blame when we should be able to be accountable in our circumstances. Am I saying that every decision was wrong? No I am not, but what I am saying is that we have got to start making moves in our lives that go beyond our intellect and education. WE absolutely need God’s wisdom. That is a totally different thought process! Wisdom reaches into another realm. It makes common sense look stupid.

LGD: “I Can Live….


Life Giving Declaration: “I can live through life’s pain.” Take a deeeeeep breath. STOP. Please do it again. Take a deeeeep breath. Does that stop the pain from hurting? No, it lets you know that you are alive and capable of moving on to the next moment. I am by no means intend not to validate the hurt, betrayal, loneliness, distress, or confusion you are feeling or dealing with. My intent is to impart hope, and to pray for God to breath a refreshing into your being right now. I pray that this hope and refreshment propels you to the next moment so that you can live out your greatness, while God works on healing you. Did you hear me? I pray that this hope and refreshment will propel you into the next moment of amazingness in your life so that YOU can continue to live your intended life while GOD works on healing, restoring, and mending your heart. You can live through this pain. Look out your window. See all those people walking around? You are never alone.

LGD: I Can See….


Life Giving Declaration: “I can see a future for myself beyond this divorce.” Divorce can muddy the waters of the vision for your future which causes you to see only bits and pieces of a picture that holds happiness and joy that is very much possible for you. If you are like me maybe you had never imagined yourself with anyone else other than who you were with, or maybe you never wanted your divorce and the rejection has you feeling hopeless. In that hopelessness alone you can feel like sinking. You don’t have to sink.

I encourage you today to being praying for a new vision that will instill hope, energy, and a focus for your life. You must say aloud so that you can hear it and in turn begin to believe it; “I can see a future for myself beyond this divorce.” Life is going to go on no matter what. The clock is not going to stop ticking. The sun will set and rise again until God says stop. This world would be much better with you as a full participant. God created you because your being is needed here at this very moment! He knows your future, ask Him about it. You must be present to win! Sooooooooooo scream, “HERE!!!!!” Let’s get started.

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