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divorced hearts mending

…allow it to happen.

Month

September 2013

Bigger Than Me

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There comes a time when you realize that your circumstances are bigger than you. What does that mean exactly? Well, it means to me that my divorce is just that, “my divorce”, but because of who I am and my assignment it is meant to serve many out of this pain. I could be mad at God because of these circumstances and the fall out which He allowed, but I can’t help but say, “Okay Lord. Okay.” I don’t shake my fist in resentment and I won’t dare tell you that I haven’t, but at this stage of this journey of healing from my divorce I am understanding that He has kept me. That has been invaluable to me.

This divorce in my opinion was stupid, senseless, and avoidable but, it was allowed. However it was necessary or God would not have allowed it. So what does one do with what God allows when one does not agree with it, or when it does not settle in our favor? Accept it? Try to get back at Him by not believing in Him anymore? Stop praising? Stop worshiping? What have you tried? I personally have tried all of them. No one could answer the questions I had. No one could comfort me. I needed my inner being touched. No one but God could do that, so I ended up right back where I started; asking God to help me understand it all.

So what happens now? Understanding. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Healing. An importation of vision. Hope. Peace. Rest. Permission to be happy. Permission to keep loving. The scripture says that GOD CAUSES EVERYTHING TO WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE CHRIST. I take God at His word and hold Him to it by trusting Him. His word also says that HE HONORS HIS WORD ABOVE HIS NAME. I need to know that more than me knowing His name it is about Him keeping His word to me. He has a plan to proper me, he created me fearfully and wonderfully, and that He knew me before I was formed in my mother’s womb. Most of all, good or bad, He is willing to still be my God.

This is my encouragement in this season. Through the wilding out, the resentment, the anger, the regret; He is still willing to be my God and not only that, He is willing to still love me just as much as before. I am kept. I can’t fully answer why, but I know that EVERYTHING WILL WORK TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD. He knows that I am willing to be used through this process.

You won’t have the answer to every question, but EVERYTHING WILL WORK TOGETHER FOR YOUR GOOD. You are kept. He is still willing to love you fully. God is big enough to take your anger. Tell Him about it. He is waiting for you to ask why. It is okay. A real relationship with God will encompass questions and you will get answers. Your circumstances are bigger than you. “This” is bigger than the both of us.

I love you with the love of Christ. Be blessed.

Going Backwards, to Go Forward…

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Sometimes it is absolutely neccessary. When this divorce happened I immediately wanted my healing to take place. I prayed for God to take the love that I still had for my ex, and to keep it! As the moments passed I noticed an ability to live without feeling the full impact of the pain that I was enduring. I knew that I had and was going though a divorce, but God shielded me GREATLY from a GREAT deal of what IT COULD HAVE BEEN.

I did experience sadness. I cried and cried alot. I felt abandoned. I felt rejected. I felt betrayed. However it was endurable. God made it endurable for me mentally and emotionally. That was important to me because I had a beautiful daughter to help through this expereince as well. My mom was hurt. My friends were hurt and angry with him. It was horrible and still it has its days with me of course. I have been officially divorced for 9 months. What I gave 14 years to, he gave up in 6 months.

So I quickly began to deal with the needs that any women deals with. I wanted to be sexually attended to. I wanted attention. I wanted kisses. I wanted my life back, but I could not face that. I did not want to deal with the desires or the healing. I jsut wanted to forget my past life existed. It was not going away that easily. So after I got tried of ignoring it, my healing was still waiting to take place. So as I continued to act out, my heart was also waiting for me to attend to it. I hid it. I used the answered prayer that God granted me to run from the work that I knew I needed to do.

I stand here now realizing that I can’t run. I have prayed that same prayer again just recently. God take the love that I still have, and place it with You. I will take the time to deal with my loss, my pain, and the abandonment; the right way. As I sat in a divorce support group last week I realized that the pain will deal with you if you do not deal with it. I’m going backwards my friends to go forward.

This is my plea for you. New divorcees, give it some time. Get into a good mental and emotional space before moving into another relationship. Get grounded in your relationship with God. Face the pain. Try not having to go backwards, to go forward but be encouraged that if you do; know that God can redeem time. He has got you in a way that nobody has the ability to. I trust You Lord. I trust You.

Life Suckers The Sequel: Energy Vampires

Portrait of young woman.

Energy Vampires are not afraid of the light. They lurk in places with people of prosperity. They recognize those that are resourceful, latch on and give themselves permission to use those resources. Your success is their success. You see, they don’t need blood, they want your life! But they do not want to work hard to acquire it. Sooooooooooo yeah, this may be a little dramatic. Nevertheless it is so true.

Bottom line, beware of who is around you. There is nothing wrong with helping someone, but be certain they are trying to help themselves at the same time. We need each other that is no doubt. We were designed to be connected with one another and when we are disconnected we suffer. However, the wrong connection with the wrong people can be dangerous.

An “Energy Vampire” is sometimes unknowing that they are one. Other times they are fully aware that they are one, and they already know that they do not have much to bring to ANY relationship-you just don’t…yet. Take note of high maintenance, low impact behaviors. Observe carefully a whining attitude with not ONE solution to give. Slow down enough to verify fact, from the fiction they spew. Allow your eyes to be wide open! Ask about their goals, their plans, and how they plan to get there. Last note: Let them answer, do not fill in the blanks for them. Let it be THEIR good idea! Actions should follow.

I am learning that relationships can be life or death. Relationships invite whom we choose, to share in our personal space, our secrets, and our dreams. That one point alone makes it too important not to be more careful of the individuals that we choose a relationship with. I was an “Energy Vampire”. I honestly used to think that I would only get somewhere unless I used someone else’s boot straps. Over time the revelation set in that I have a lot to give. I am talented. I have ambition on the inside of me too; my dreams are just as important and I can go get it for myself. God awoke the empowerment He had already imparted in me.This is the thing that this divorce has taught me. I am able. I am capable. I can do more than I thought. I have greatness on the inside of me. I have what it takes on the inside of me.

I really think that some “Energy Vampires” and “Life Suckers” just need to know that for themselves. They need to know how great they are. It would help them to shed light on how little they think of themselves and their capabilities, and could in turn push them to do it for themselves. Your honesty could change someone’s life. If done in the right way.

***Enablers you know who you are. Don’t enable them any longer. If you love them, tell them the truth from a genuine, sincere place with love.***

Mental Grip: Let Me Go!!!

Angry, Frustrated Woman

Sometimes all I can do is think. Think of what? Everything. Anything, but NEVER, NEVER, NEVER nothing. I know you can relate. There tends to always be something to give some mental attention to with issues and problems taking first place in my mind. I am a BIG thinker which I know now can be considered a BIG worrier. “Am I trusting God” I think to myself. Then the next thought comes, “Why is this person REALY calling me? Next thought, “When will my healing be complete?” Next thought, “Why these people drive so crazy?!!” Next thought, “There seems to be such an anger in the air.” Next thought, “I am so tired.” Next thought, “Do I have enough to pay every bill?” Next thought, “Is my daughter okay at college?”

All of these thoughts are taking place in a single day, within 10 seconds of one another, and or within the time it takes for me to go to the bathroom and back to my bed. Now I lie wide awake! Okay something has got to give. Have you ever thought about how much you thought about in a single day? It can be beyond overwhelming and while reading through my thoughts you see that most of them were not worth the time it took to write them. I know thinking it of itself is not bad; however mental hovering is. Think about the mental grip that our thoughts, turned worries have on us to the point of mental exhaustion, unstability, stress, and anxiety. The mental grip that issues, concerns, or problems have makes a person want to scream “Let go!”

It makes me ponder am I the one holding on, or is it “the thoughts” fault? I already know the answer and it is apparent for me that application is absolutely neccessary regarding what I am about to tell you about. God’s word says not to worry about anything and pray about everything. So how does that really work? Do you walk around attempting to be empty headed? No, you walk around trusting God fully; having confidence. When you “trust” something or someone then you don’t worry. There is a realaxation that takes place knowing that if you do your part, they will do theirs. If you put money in the bank, it will be there when you get back. God works simarily. You do your part and He will definitely do His. You can’t control how a person is going to react or how a situation is going to turn out in which YOU can not control the outcome of. This is the part that is out of your hands and you must trust God at that point that everything is working together for your good, even if the result is not favorable.

I had to write it so that I could be reminded that I can only handle today. I had to be reminded that tomorrow has enough worries of its own. I had to remind myself that God has my front, back, and side to side. He has got you too. I just wanted to remind you of that.

When we trust God fully for the outcome, good or bad; to manage it how He sees fit then, the mental grip has to let go; because we then become empowered to let go ourselves. He has got your front, back, and side to side as well.

When You, Don’t Recongnize You

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It has been a long hard road to some type of normalcy after my divorce. I know that I long for companionship that is genuine, but at the same time I know that I am not ready for it. I know that I want something that encourages me and inspires me. However as many of you may know, dating is hardly that encouragement or inspiration. I know that looking in these places has had me coming up empty, or either half full.

The last few months have been exhaustingly difficult in lots of ways because I know who I am. I know that I am a lover of God first. I really do, but as many that go through pain we act out in ways that make us unrecognizeable to others and ourselves. I hardly notice my heart anymore. It is almost a secret thing because I know what and how I think, and because it is within me, the ugliness is able to be contained to some degree. However it does tend to seep out at times. Because like all of us we can alter what others are able to see.

The beauty that was there before your hurt occurred is still there. The joy that you felt is lying dormant under the layers of anger. Joy is still there. The disappointment is taking center stage instead of your hope right now. It’s hard. I now know the impact that hurt can have. I do not okay it at all, but I understand the horrible acts that follow severe, painful trauma. It causes one to act out in a way that prompts a quite reflection of “Who is this person?”. Who am I becoming? Your heart cries out, “I don’t recngize me.”

I know that I am still Jay. I also know that I am not the Jay that I know. It is not all bad but I realize that I need to deal with the root of bitterness that has sprung up in my heart. It is no longer comfortable. I can’t sleep with it anymore. I don’t want to smile with it anymore.

I am encouraging you to quitely reflect on what your heart is trying to speak to you. It is directly linked to the conscience that God has put in everyone of us. It is speaking to you. Don’t ignore it. If correction needs to be made, make it. If there are feelings that need to be dealt with, deal with them. Don’t allow the pain to blur the image in the mirror any longer. It’s too important.

I love you with the love of Christ today. Be belessed!

Life Suckers

Stressed Businesswoman

Seriously I have to talk about this. We all know people that suck the life right out of us! You know, those people that make us want to take a nap just because we spent time with them. Some “life suckers” don’t even have to be around to do it. You can just hear their voice, and it makes you want to hibernate like a bear!!! The question is, how does one identify these people in your life?

Before I answer that question let me give you a real-life example of a “life sucker”! While you read this I want you to note the words that I emphasize. I want you to notice how their problems, become your problems. Someone that I know decided to enter into a relationship with this guy. This guy was so handsome and my friend could see HIS POTENTIAL beyond the circumstances that he was in. This guy was wayyyyyy below in status of what she would normally ACCEPT, but because she is a good woman and CAPABLE of building a mansion from the scraps of an outhouse; she decided to give it try.

As this RELATIONSHIP progressed she began to notice certain things. One of those things was the fact that he FREQUENTLY needed her to do things. Those “things” would include anything from looking up something on the internet for him, to asking her to allow him to add a phone line to her account. It seemed harmless enough, but she began to notice a pattern that went from FREQUENTLY needing her to do SOMETHING, to ALWAYS NEEDING HER TO DO SOMETHING. She began to ponder this but pushed it out of her mind because she did not mind being helpful. However, the “life sucker” himself began to go too far. After numerous requests for her to do “things” that he was PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF DOING. She began to notice that she was beginning to dread his call, his presence, and his constant task requests. It just seemed like too much, all the time.

The ultimate “life sucking” moment came when they had planned an awesome weekend together and he asked her at the last minute to include his daughter in on their plans, financially back the inclusion of his daughter, use her gas to do it all, annnnnd to top it all off, his request to put up with his “baby mama drama” which included HIM asking HER to walk around the building when THEY went to pick-up HIS daughter so that “his baby mama” would not see that SHE was with HIM and not allow HIM to take his daughter with him. My friend had already paid for the hotel for the weekend and took a day off work. What more did this dude want?! She felt financially trapped, emotionally vested, and plain ole taken advantage of. She even went to the bus stop to get him at 2 in the morning! Really, why ask for more? Because he felt he could. She had given too much and neglected to set boundaries.

She ends up not only picking him up at 2 AM from the bus stop, took him to play basketball at 5 AM that same day, she picked up his daughter, and then made a blank trip to Burger King for his daughter because she decided in the drive-thru that she did not want Burger King any longer. My friend was anticipating one thing, but got something completely different. It had only been ‘day one” of the weekend and HE HAD SUCKED THE LIFE RIGHT OUT OF HER AS WELL AS THE WEEKEND ITSELF!

My friend realized that after all she had done that this relationship was not worth it. She politely took him and his daughter back to the hotel; which she had paid for leaving him there to enjoy the weekend with his daughter all on her dime. But she thought to herself that the money that she had lost was a small price to pay for her peace of mind, not to mention being stuck in a hotel room with an unruly 4 year old for a good part of the weekend. To top it all off, his daughter got lost in the restroom at the restaurant that they ended up going to, and upon gathering his things from the table my friend saw a text message from a girl which after further exploration confirmed that he had been and was cheating! She was done! Why was she breaking her back for this man? She went home and spent the weekend recuperating from the devastation of it all, as well as her wasted money.

The whole point of this story? Be ware of people that take-take-take and never give-give-give. It is not okay to be in a relationship that tires you. If your relationship is not adding a vitality to you, then it is allowing you to remain stagnant, or it is sucking the life right out of you. Neither of these are good. You have got to stop the bleeding. Be ware of the following.

The characteristics of a “life sucker”:

1.) Very Convincing: they can convince you that water is not wet. This also includes convincing you that they are the victim in their own lives and circumstances.
2.) Wordsmiths: they know exactly what to say, how to say it and when to say it.
3.) Strategic: they always have a plan to get what they want.

Please note:This will all be at your expense. They do not want to exert any of their own resources, time, or energy. They are very good delegators. They do not care if you are inconvenienced, tired, or have to jump hurdles. For them, Life Suckers its about preserving their life while they suck the life right out of you!

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