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divorced hearts mending

…allow it to happen.

Month

October 2013

Where Do You Stand?

portrait of a group of people standing together

I’ve had to figure it out. Where do I stand? Who am I? What am I willing to negotiate, and what is simply intolerable? It has to be figured out.

I have found that each and every stand that one takes, builds. It builds boundaries that keep things out, as well as in. It grants permission to people and things regarding how far they can go with you, and what they are allowed to take from you. It can keep your underwear up, or it can keep them coming off person after person. The stand that you take has the power to identify you. Who do you want to be?

Where do you stand? A better question would be who knows where you stand? Is there evidence of it in your life, or how you treat yourself? Are the waters so muddied that one can’t tell if you like liver, or hate it? Your mouth says one thing and your behavior does another. Do you match?

My divorce has had me taking a step back to figure out where I stand. I knew that I stood for faithfulness as a married woman, but as a single woman I began to embrace a different definition of faithfulness. There really is only one definition, but you know how we do when we want to justify what we do. My stand on faithfulness was very lukewarm which was demonstrated by my behavior, but still I believed very different. I looked into my heart-mirror and realized I had to take a “stand-check” and realign myself. I had sat down where I originally had stood. I was not matching.

Of anything I have ever written this seems to be one that is really checking my conscience the most. It is awakening me to what needs adjusting at the core of me, and not just at the surface. I have grown to love myself and respect about myself; I do not want to lose that. (Side note: It is funny how we fight for the respect of others, and for the love of others, but we are so comfortable with losing the respect and love for ourselves.) I still have many stands to take. As I grow in more understanding things will shift a bit more.

What stand do you think that you need to take? It is time for a “stand-check”. What needs to be realigned? What things don’t match. Are you being honest with others, but lying to yourself? Do you preach love, but hate almost everybody? Are YOU able to trust YOUR own word? It is vital to evaluate where we are standing so that we can live a consistent life with a solid core of values. Consistency is one of those things that allows trust to be built within you, for yourself as well as with others, but I plead that you to give it to yourself first. Be consistent with you. That which you possess that is healthy, can then be shared in a healthy way.

“A Carrier”

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I am “a carrier”. I have to just admit that out loud because I had realized it in the past, but never really acknowledged it. I arrogantly thought I had gotten rid of at least “most things”. However in enduring my yesterday it humbled me. Yesterday for me was one of those days that bite at your heart and tries to take chucks out of it. These kind of days have the ability to disable you permanently and threaten to have you locked up in a little white room. Why did it seem that way to me? Because in one part I saw God answer a prayer and move miraculously, and on the other hand my sound mind was questioned. Offense appeared immediately. That is a big deal for me because I have a perfectionist thing that I deal with.

Today I am writing this blog and I acknowledge that I am “a carrier”. “A carrier” is someone who holds on to every experience, or most experiences that they have had. In doing that, they carry around the thoughts and feelings of those devastations and let downs. Then when the present life they are living in happens, they buckle. Now ALL things collide, past and present for a overhelming result of deflation. Life happens in parts. However that is hard for “a carrier” to see. It can tag team a victim mentality. This is not healthy but like AA the first step is to admit it.

I listened to a message by Joel Osteen and he said everyday you should arise each day and begin to forgive and release all offenses of the day before. I had neglected to do that throughout my life. I probably honestly thought I was doing this….perhaps. I know now that I am carrying it. When you can’t move on from moment to the next, you are “a carrier”. When you can’t move on from a moment of defeat, you are “a carrier”. You tend to stay in the past. This can be paralyzing. What to do? This is where God’s wisdom tells me to start.

1.) Get up every morning and review the day before in prayer. Prayer casts wisdom on the issues while allowing an opportunity for you to refocus.
2.) Make a decision to let go. Don’t just talk about it, be about it. God’s word says worry about nothing and pray about everything.
3.) Go into the day released from the day before knowing that you have shared your heart with your creator. He listened and He is working on your behalf. This could mean changing the circumstances or maybe just changing you. Either way, you win.
4.) Trust God for the outcome no matter what it looks like. Remember looks can be deceiving. God sits high and looks low. He knows all the ins–outs. 5.) Take a deep breath. Go live your day with power and freedom, released from being “a carrier”.

Got to start somewhere. Love you all with the love of Christ.

Are You Resistant to Reality?

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On this journey of healing there are many things that I am having to face, because up until now I have been resisting the reality of some things. I talked to my daughter last night and stressed how much I wanted her to be in a good mental and emotional place and not just physical. I told her that it was time to face some giants and bullies so she can go on to an even higher level in her life.

Since this divorce it has left her and I the strongest that we have ever been. At the same time it has also left us both the most scarred we have even been. It’s healing for sure but the residue is still there and is gradually being washed away. When I think of my mom, I think of how she could easily stand by our side and attest that this divorce has also left her reeling from the reality of where it has put us. I heard a podcast today that basically stated that even if my spouse was wrong and I was right, so what, you are still divorce. She continued by saying to go on and continue to hold on to me being “right” but the reality is……. you are still divorce. Her point was to ensure that holding on to being right does not change the place you are at. She emphasized to not hold on to a position f rightness while remaining stagnant and resistant to the future. Move forward.

It is so true. Right or wrong, it does not take away from the reality that I am living in. I am divorced. It is sobering because I realize that I must move on to accept my life in every facet right where it is. That means the good, the bad, or the ugly. It belongs to me. Resisting reality was not going to help make that better; acceptance does however. With that being said one must move from resisting the circumstances of their life no matter where they are, and move on to accepting it so that they can embrace the here and now, therefore allowing themselves to move forward.

Resisting reality keeps you in a fantasy. Fantasies are make-believe. They have only an illusion of what once was, but the truth is–it’s not. The fantasy is one preference away from changing. There is absolutely no stability there. The truth will remain and it gives one the opportunity to choose the best for them in clarity. Don’t make decisions for your life based on a fantasy. Reality is here. Embrace it. It is not a bad thing, but one thing is for sure, your reality needs you present to move forward into your future. Your resistance will not allow that to happen. Don’t resist it.

Be A Sounding Board

Girls on cell phones.

Lately it has been a bit difficult. Since I have decided to stop some destructive and foolish behavior I have been quite “UNBUSY”. Is that a word? LOL Some would say bored. Others would probably say lonely. I would agree with all that! I realize that peace is what I needed and God is also allowing me rest which is what I need as well, but I forget to enjoy it. Don’t forget to enjoy the “UNBUSY” moments. You need those too.

Well today I feeling just…. OK. Nothing more or less. Just OK. I called a friend that I knew would not mind hearing from me. She listened to my 10 minute rant of “blahsville”. After talking to her I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. Just talking to her and then being willing to listen to her response gave me a perspective shift. She clarified some things that I was feeling while making me feel better about just feeling OK today.

She gave her time to be my sounding board. It was exactly what I needed. She encouraged me. Her actions encouraged me. Sometimes we forget that just being there means a lot. We forget that our listening ear, presence, or attention to others is a deciding factor of life or death, joy or anger, loneliness or comfort, as well as love or hate. It is something we have to stop to realize. Think about it. Be a sounding board and save someone today. You may be the only ear that they feel they have. Do not forget to reach out. Be a sounding board for someone today.

Love you with the love of Christ! Love God W/O limits. Be blessed.

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