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divorced hearts mending

…allow it to happen.

Month

January 2014

Friendship & Divorce

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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…Okay! You may be thinking did Jay really need all of that?! Yes I did. You may also be thinking….. Jay is a little dramatic! I would answer, “Yes a little.” LOL This subject is a sensitive one for me so I am going to try to be as objective as possible.

Over the last couple of days and even today I have had a few discussions about the lack of friendship support one can experience when going through a divorce. One of my readers wrote to me and told me how her friend, now divorced, was of course going to the same church as her “then” husband”. As it turns out, she continued to go to that church. Now, after the divorce her “then friends” began ignoring her along with her children! Please understand that I know that this is not everyone’s story. So in my best attempt to be fair, I am going to say that there are fellow divorcees that I have met that say their friends had been very supportive. So as one can see, it is on a case by case basis in which friendship does NOT survive divorce.

In my case friendships did not. I was supported by some Previous acquaintances in a VERY long distance way. What do I mean by long distance? Long distance support is texting, a phone call once a month or two, or the occasional LIKE on a Facebook post. There was little to no physical contact, or invitations to lunch, a movie or a trip. NOT ONE! I did not quite understand why, but in an attempt to understand I did get some feedback as to perhaps why this may have happened. One, some married couples do not want singles (men or women) around their spouses. That person is seen as a threat. Two, they are busy with their lives and they do not have time. Three, they really do not know what to say to you. Four, they have taken the other person’s side. Five, maybe they did not like you in the first place and the divorce was an opportunity to separate from you. Finally, six they liked your ex and now that it is over, they see it as an opportunity for themselves!

No matter what the reason, it is hurtful when you lose that support. There were times I wished that any of my OLD friends would be hands-on with their support of me because it would have helped me to keep some sense of normalcy during my transition to singlehood. Everything just changed in an instant; no husband, new place to live, new phone number, no job, and finally no friends. Because I did not receive that support it forced me to want to be a better friend myself. It even caused me to reflect on times that friendship had been extended to me, and because I thought I had enough “friends”, failed to respond properly. So I decided to begin to listen better. I began being even more honest and available for others. I stopped using the “I am too busy or was to busy” excuse for not returning a call.

The best advice I can give to others that have friends that are going through a divorce is to be there. Invite that person to a dinner or simply listen to what they have to say–no matter how many times they say the same thing. Trauma repeats itself until one accepts it. So they will repeat relive the experience from time to time. Be available. Be willing to go the extra mile. Check on them. Tell them that you care and NEVER, NEVER IF YOU ARE MARRIED, (UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN DIVORCED PREVIOUSLY) SAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND. You could not possibly. So just be the friend you would want someone to be to you, if it were you.

Proverbs 17:17 A friend is always loyal,and a brother is born to help in time of need. (NLT)

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“The Get Even Spirit” *AKA* Revenge

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The get even spirit desires to “get even” with everything and everyone. Every situation becomes a confrontation. Everything! The spirit of revenge does not just settle for the person or thing that it originally had the issue with. I noticed that when I wanted to “get even” with those that I felt deserted me or hurt me; it began to birthed a “get even” attitude with each driver on the road, every business that I had to deal with and each person is my life. My new focus became to never allow anyone to get over on me again, to never take advantage of me again. I was scorned and the “get even” spirit raged
in me and supported the hostility within me. I wanted everyone to know how important I was, and how they could not just hurt me like that and get away with it. I was going to be a success and they were not going to be a part of my life. Since I could not carry out the rage in my heart; I would then punish them by removing my love. Note this: when any dream of success is fueled with this, it becomes a chore to achieve versus a joy to do. It can kill your dream and scatter the energy to do it in to the wrong places.

This has been a horrible prison to be in because I am always on guard. The biggest fortress has been built around my heart. It is as if a doorman has been employed to sit at the door of it. His job is to watch for any possible intrusions. Those intrusions’ have the ability to expose my “weaknesses”; stuff like compassion, forgiveness, love, and humility. “The doorman” has his instructions. He knows who are allowed to receive those things from me. Not just anyone can. You see, those intrusions could not be tolerated because they would soften me and would make me subject to more hurt. I did not want that. No one deserved anything from me.

As the tears fall from my face I realize that the bitterness has taken a toll. I am impatient and often difficult in circumstances in which the chaos of this attitude could be avoided. Upon realizing this, my fear is still will it happen again? Most likely it will because people are not perfect and neither am I. I have discovered that I punish people by taking away my love from them. My friendship becomes no longer available. My support goes absent. When I get hurt by people I take away the one thing that I know is the best part of me; my heart. However God spoke to me and said that the heart He gave me and the love in it belongs to Him. I do not have the right to choose who to love with it, or who to forgive with it.
As I close I understand that hurt rages. An apology sometimes does very little. The hurt we often cause one another are carried around for years. Do lounge around in revenge. Do not flirt with it. It is not something that you can contain. Revenge is never satisfied and leaves you empty. It does not rest. It wants all of your attention and demands your energy. It is easier said than done but you and I must surrender it to God. He can uproot the root of revenge and give you the peace you need. God has got it all under control. Your hurt and pain does not go unnoticed by Him. He does see it, acknowledges it, and ready to heal you from it.

My prayer: Okay I surrender right here in the pain. I surrender in the disappointment, in the betrayal and in the abandonment that I feel. As the pain seeps through me I cry because it really hurts God. I really feel hurt. My mind is ready to rest. My heart is ready to let go. I need You to help me pick up the pieces. I need You to help me to be able to be a friend again. I need Your help to love people without the pretense of them doing everything right. I need Your help to rest again. Heal me. Heal the person reading this right now. I pray the same thing over their mind and heart right now. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

How Committed Are You, To You?

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At first glance this question divides me. I feel like I am committed to me because I do feed myself, bathe and even have enough sense to brush my teeth. Mmmmmmm, when I look at that statement, I see my commitment to good hygiene, but is that the same as being committed to myself, or am I simply committed to a habit? In looking up the definition of commitment I found two that caught my attention. One of the definitions state to hand over as for safekeeping; charge; entrust, and the other stated to carry out or execute.

Do you find yourself breaking promises to yourself? Or perhaps putting those promises made on the back burner? Why do you do that? Why do I do that? I am habitually on time for work, work diligently, and follow through to finish every task, but in my personal life that type of commitment is severely lacking. What about you? How committed are you, to yourself? Would you entrust yourself for your own safekeeping? Could you trust yourself to execute? If you have to think about it; then there is a break down of self-commitment somewhere.

The truth is that we do not wake up, or consciously think about the fact that we do not trust ourselves. We just entitle it being “selfless” because we usually end up putting others ahead of ourselves, but what we are really doing is building self-distrust. When that happens, then we never follow through on what we should or could be doing to go to the next level in our lives. If we continue to neglect the importance of following through for our own good, then we end up short-changing ourselves. Ultimately our dreams die. Our hope dies. Then our will slowly gives up.

The word of God says to love others as we love ourselves. That statement was not meant loving ourselves in a vain way. It meant for the care we have for ourselves to be an example of how to handle others, because then we would know first hand how to. God entrusted you, with you first. If you could learn to love yourself with a love that encompasses forgiveness, compassion and self-harm. Then you could do it for others. The commitment that you give, practice on yourself first. The commitment that you make in learning this, will help you to learn where improvement in your own love walk towards others is needed. How committed are you, to you? When you find out then you can be committed in a whole and healthy way with others in your life.

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