My name is JW, and I have PTSD, Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. I initially posted this within a group that I belonged to at one time and laughed as I posted it. However, after I began to think about it, it was true. I at the time was in a relationship that I really was beginning to enjoy. He was everything that I wanted. He was good looking, respectably employed, interesting to talk to, and a consistent church goer. The way he talked about his faith in God increased my faith. Let’s face it, that is hard to find these days. I was totally smitten.
One evening we went out for ice cream and a movie. We greeted one another with a kiss then walked to the ice cream shop. He smelled so good! But I digress! Well we finished our ice cream and walked back over to the theater. We purchased our tickets, then sat down. The movie was nearing the end when he then got up to use the bathroom. About 5 minutes passed and he still was not back. That was fine. Now I had to go to the bathroom. Just before the credits began to roll I stepped out.
After finishing up, I looked for him. Where was he I was thinking. A bit of anxiety began to arise. Why was I feeling like that? Anyway, immediately I checked my phone. He had called. I missed it. It was just a moment ago. I went from calm to ticked in 2 seconds flat. All these questions began to bombard me. How could he just leave me like this? Did he leave? Why in the heck is he calling?! Where is he?! Then the phone rang again. It was him. “Honey, I’m outside. Where are you? I said coldly. ” I thought to myself, “Why in the hell are you outside?” But I said, “Okay where?” He responded, “I’m by the car.” I replied okay and hung up the phone. As I walked to the car I am thinking it is 1 o’clock in the morning, our car is more than 50 feet away, I am precious cargo, and what if I get mugged! Wait until I see him! As I approached him, he saw how unsettled I was. He quickly began to say as he chuckled, “Honey. you mad? I’m sorry.” Then he reached out to hug me. I pulled away. He reached out again while apologizing. He said he was just doing something for one of his friends. I accepted his apology but something deeper was going on inside of me. I had to find out what.
The next day I kept thinking about why I was so upset by what happened, so I talked it over with a friend. She then asked me a question. “Why were you so mad? Did you think he abandoned you?” That hit me hard! I prayed about that. Abandoned? God confirmed it, and yes I felt abandoned! Yikes! Dang it! I wanted to dissect it more. So I asked God to help me get to the root of it. It definitely should not have been that serious! However it really was that serious.
God revealed to me that the abandonment that I felt that night brought back how I felt when I was left during my marriage. My then husband left to work out of town. Then upon discovering his affair, he left to be with his mistress. He did not come back to our home to help move, get his clothes, or even to tell me that he was leaving. I did not see him until almost a year later. Not to mention that they way I found out that he was never coming back was horrible enough in itself.
I remember feeling rejected that night at the movies before he called me. When I pulled away from him as he reached for me, it was the only way I had of protecting myself from how I was feeling at that moment which was unimportant, and forgotten about. He did not mean to make me feel that way, and I did not want him to know that it cut that deep. But I want you to know that the things that you need healing from the most will rear its ugly head at the most unexpected times. This is when I really began to understand how trauma lies low, then strikes without notice. My boyfriend at the time did not understand why I questioned him with my eyes when he told me what he was doing. He read my body language in my pulling away from him as me shutting down. He was right. I was. I felt he left me.
Let me say this, a divorce is a traumatic experience period! I have talked to individuals that had amicable divorces. The process of divorce still caused wounds that they are healing from. The pain of falling out of love is a painful process. Dealing with betrayal is painful. Facing life alone when you had forever in your sight is difficult. I’m now dealing with my abandonment. I recently got so encouraged by what my boss told me the other day. She said. “Jay, God says that when you see someone who is where you want to be, do not focus on the distance that you feel like you have to go to get to where they are. Be grateful in the fact that you saw that there is another level to grow to.” In other words, there is no need to compare. The ability to recognize that there is another level that you can grow to, is a good thing. I saw and felt nothing but the hurt that night at the theater, but now I understand that the root of that abandonment had to be exposed. Even if it took a date to do so. I had to know how far I had healed from my divorce, but I also had to know that there was another level of healing that I needed. Nothing is going to keep me from my greater. Nothing will keep you from your greater.
You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.
Who’s next? Does it matter? Heck yes it does! After a divorce it is so very important to be careful regarding the next person that you invite in. Because whom ever that person is will either be an enhancement, or a trip back down memory lane because statistically speaking we tend to pick the same person over and over and over. It happens so organically that it seems normal. This is why we need to take break before we say,”Who’s next?!”
Relationship Must Reviews
1.) Re-calibrate your expectations. Stop expecting the same thing. Don’t be afraid to desire something different, and don’t be afraid of what that “different” might be.
2.) Get a clear indication of what you desire for your life to look like. This means that as you look deeply into the person that you want to be, the new person that you want needs to be an asset to that.
3.) Let’s just say it, the old person that you were with had some great qualities–but! Exactly “but”; move the “but” out of the way. Take time to define the qualities you truly desire.
4.) Don’t wast time with a filler. If they are not the one, be willing to walk away quickly. DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME!
5.) Do not be fooled, you need someone that has a spiritual foundation to what is similar to yours. Being on one accord is a GREAT thing!
6.) Trust God for the best. Don’t settle.
There is no better plan than to wait for God to place someone in your life. I will be honest, this is one of those statements that is more easily made than actually done. As who I am is redefining, what I want is also. I am opening my mind up to what God could have for me in a different physical package than what I would normally choose,or perhaps a different cultural background. Remember that you are not the same person after your divorce! You have learned, grown, and shifted. Allow that change to move you into a newness that you can enjoy. It is nothing wrong with different.
Again, decide what type of love you want! I have decided that I want a “Song of Solomon” type of love and courtship! If you have not read that book of the Bible it is worth the read! It is very passionate!!! But there is one scripture that I love from the book and it is great wisdom for the time that we are in.
Song of Solomon 2:7
7 Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right.
Don’t say, “Who’s next?!” unless you are truly ready. Vet through the old garbage so that it does not effect the new. No need to rush.
It hurts and it will hurt for a while. I know that it is not the most comforting open statement, but it is the truth. Divorce is an event that can wound a person well into the future. It does so without a thought. That is just want divorce does. Don’t expect it to care, it won’t. Divorce is not capable of it.
Because of this, we must choose to deal with it. We must choose to deal with the hurt, exhaustion, sense of loss, the abandonment, and the lack of companionship that is the result of this occurrence. If not, it will deal with us. As I sit here I am reminded of the initial feelings of my divorce and the ocean of loneliness that I experienced. I had a daughter to put through college, trying to find a job, and trying to put food in the fridge. I did not realized how much I needed someone I could call on. I had to deal with the bliss that my then friends where having in their lives, and the devastation I was having in mine. Reality can’t be avoided. It must be dealt with.
The second harsh truth is that the “someone” that you are thinking will be there, probably won’t. You may have to sit some days alone while hugging yourself. For some, your tears will ruin a few freshly applied make-up sessions. It’s okay. For others, the overwhelming feelings of grief will push you to behave totally out of character! Stay close to God. The pieces of you can come back together again. You are going to have to deal with it. All of it. Not just some of it. But whatever you do, don’t run from it. God is there. He will help you to confront the obstacles ahead; not just in prayer but in practical guidance and counsel through His word.
One thing is for sure, you are not obligated to deal with everything at once. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. So take it one obstacle at a time. Take it one day at a time. For every challenge, victory is absolutely possible, don’t give up. God will give you the strength to deal with it all, in the perfect time.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Trust is one of the most fragile things that we absolutely without a doubt handle so very carelessly. However at the same time it is one of the things that we ask for the most. In each and every purchase that we make by default we give our chosen corporation or company our trust. At the same time we love those that we won’t or can’t. When you stop and think about it, it’s crazy who we trust.
We would rather pay for the trust that we demand than to trust the human heart or the intentions of those around us. It seems easier to do when loyalty is not something that people want to be, nor is it something that people desire to. The challenge is trusting the right person while protecting your heart. How does a solider in battle fight up close with his enemy with only one arm and no armor? Answer, he can’t do so effectively, and ultimately, he will die.
We have all been wounded within various relationships. We have a deep need for the restoration of our trust to take place. No man is an island. We can’t make it for one second without yielding our trust to the many services that we partake of everyday, or those that live out our lives with us up close and personal. The price tag on genuine trust is far too high to pay, and far too heavy for any one person to carry. Only God is worthy of our complete trust. He can carry the weight. He never changes. He always does what He says He is going to do. He will never tell a secret.
Psalm 56:3 But when I am afraid, I will trust in You.
Everyday after a divorce is liken to walking through quick sand. In every move you seem to sink more and more. Then panic come on some days because from time to time you managed to look down and you realize that soon the quick sand could possibly swallow you. “Will it?”, you wonder.
Be reassured that it won’t. God will not let it. You are able to take the steps that you need after a divorce without sinking in that quick sand, or the fear of it. It is going to take another level of dedication from you. It will require you to dig down deep for the strength that has already been imparted to you. It is there. Trust me. It is going to take you being wiling to be in the wilderness alone so that God can work on some things. You may, or may not get visitors, but you will be assigned a midwife. Who is your midwife? Definitely not anyone that you would expect. So remain open for who, and or what God will send.
Today I pray for your strength. Today I pray for your peace of mind. I pray that you receive the comfort that you need to make it through to the next moment. I am encouraging your move forward. Trust God for what He is going to do. Trust Him for what He is able to do. Know that a future is possible. Everyday that you live you just stepped into that future. No matter what happens God has got you.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
Everyone has those habits that they do unconsciously. My habit happens to be shaking my right leg. Well one day I was flying out on business with my bosses. We were sitting awaiting to board the flight. “The habit” started. I did not notice it at the time but one of my bosses was looking at me. She turned to me and asked, “Why are you shaking; nervous?” I did not have an answer for her. I replied that I did not honestly know why I do that. She then said something that would really stuck with me. “I used to have that habit too before I did what God told me to do. What aren’t you doing that you are supposed to be?”
She went on to explain that me exerting that type of energy that way was a build up of something. Because something had not been released. This morning that is on my heart and mind. I notice that I go to bed with the tasks that God has given me that I have NOT done, and the dreams He has imparted to me that I am NOT pursuing as I should. It honestly makes me nervous because I know that ultimately, I am responsible for their birth. The success is up to Him so I am not too worried about that part. There does seem to be the unrest that has settled down on the inside of me. Is my habit and this unrest related? I would have to say yes.
Today my charge is to encourage the completion of what God put in your heart. I am praying for the release of your hopes and dreams along with the continued healing from your divorce, broken relationships, cluttered mind, being stagnant, and unrest in Jesus name. It is so important to understand that our behavior is a symptom of a bigger problem. The Bible speaks about telling a tree by its fruit, which means that a person will behave according to who they are, and you will be able to identify them as such as they live. We have too much to give not to deal with some behaviors that are hindering us. Let us not to remember to listen and pay attention to what our habits or routines are trying to tell us. It is time to achieve that which we were sent to do. Let’s go. Time is precious.
I love you with the love of Christ today. Be blessed!
Matthew 12:33 Amplified
Either make the tree sound (healthy and good), and its fruit sound (healthy and good), or make the tree rotten (diseased and bad), and its fruit rotten (diseased and bad); for the tree is known and recognized and judged by its fruit
As I stood in the hallway with my heart breaking I totally understood this person’s pain, and their desire to be loved. The desire to love someone who is just for you. Why can’t you have that? What can’t I have that? “They” attempt to console you while their hands holding are the hands of the person that loves them; all the while your hands grasp at the air. “They” don’t really know how you feel. My bed is empty; yours is filled.
The response from any good friend to another would be, “But you are a beautiful person. Anyone would be lucky to have you! You just have to wait for the right one.” But even as encouraging as these words are, you still feel unloved. As much love as you have to give, you still have no one to give it to.
The pain of being alone is too much to bear at times. I see this pain being played out in various ways that tend to wound the lonely that experiences it. The pain of rejected love wounds at such a high level. We were created to be loved, and to love. Can you stand to be beautiful, but not loved by that “special someone”? Is the love of your family enough? Is the love of your friends enough? What about the love of God, is it enough? These resources of love are often minimized and even ignored.
We don’t hear it enough, but there is love that sustains you from the inside out while keeping the loneliness at bay. That love does indeed belong to God. Maybe His love is not explained enough. God’s love is constant. Because it is constant, you can trust it. You can trust it to be there when you want it, and when you don’t. It was woven into your being at the time of your conception. Until that special man or woman comes into your life, it is a necessity to be rooted in His love. Learn about it. Have something to compare your “special someone’s love” to. It should also be constant and able to be trusted. At any point that you doubt it, get your measuring tape out. Does it measure up?
Know this, beauty does not guaranteed a life without pain. Beautiful things are mistreated all the time. Look at time. We waste it often. Beautiful things are sometimes not loved the way that they should be. That does not mean that the beautiful things stop being beautiful. They still are. Look at nature. Those things maintain their beauty while understanding that the appropriate caregiver of its beauty will appear. So in the meantime be patient in your journey for who God has for you. But your assignment is to become ready for him, or her. I take this to heart, because I have to be patient along with you.
1 John 4:16 (KJV)
And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him
A few days ago I turned on my Pandora and something started to capture my attention. What was it? It was the love songs that began to play. Each one that played stimulated my future hopes and dream of the right man who will come into my life. The feelings of passion followed that stimulation. The first one to play was Toni Braxton’s “I Will Never Breathe Free Again”. Then Destiny’s Child’s “Cater to You”. Up next on the rotation was Letoya Luckette’s song “Regret”. Anger set it as I listened to her lyrics. My heart began to break. The intensity of each song all at once became so real. As each artist crooned the lyrics of their hurt, devotion, and hopes of better regarding the one they loved, I suddenly realized how absolutely serious a thing love is. This was my “ah ha” moment. Love is serious!
Then “it” came on. What was it? The song! You know the song that stabs you in the heart with each beat. Well this was the song and it took me back to a moment in time that I would rather forget. The song was Mary J Blige’s “I’m Not Gone Cry”. August of 2012 I was sitting at the light of Highway 6 and Richmond; I blacked out. I instantly felt compelled to turn my car around and drive to where my then husband and his mistress were, and take them both out! God intervened. No sooner than the thought came to me; God’s comfort came equally as quick to let me know “THAT WAS NOT THE ANSWER”. God’s presence was interrupting my thought; it was like a fire extinguisher putting out the 12 alarm fire that was ranging in my heart. At that moment, my “right” mind came back. I took a deep breath and began to breathe again.
When God talks about love it seems to be taken so cavalier, but what I caution you to do is NOT to take God’s love that way. At that moment sitting at Highway Six and Richmond I can testify to you that God’s love for me and the rest of my life that He planned for me, was a very evident as He rerouted my mind that day. It was the love that acknowledged my pain while keeping me for myself.
I understand that the hurt that you have experience at the hand of the one that have handled your love thoughtlessly feels unbearable. I totally get it. Nevertheless I want to remind you that God’s love is even more serious. What will God’s love do for you? His love will keep you when you–aren’t you, His love pushes you forward even when you pull backwards, and its unconditional. It’s more than willingly to guide you into overcoming the devastation regarding the misuse of the love that you have given. Allow Him to restore your love and make it whole again. Sit and talk to God about it. Have a real conversation with Him about it.
Luke 4:18 (KJV) The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised…
God sent aid your way already, yeah He really just did. Be blessed and I love you with the love of Christ. Join me on the journey to a mended heart. Thank you for listening.