divorced hearts mending

…allow it to happen.

If It Looks Like A Duck….


Why aren’t you trusting your instinct? You are second guessing your gut, telling your conscience to be quiet, wisdom’s voice is calling and you are ignoring your common sense. Normally you are such an opened-eye individual. What went wrong? Are you through beating yourself up yet? MMMMMMM…I honestly do not know if I am through yet.

How does it happen? The first thing that comes to mind is that maybe it is all timing. I guess one cannot totally blame it on that because then it causes one to abandon the responsibility that they should be taking. However I do know that there are moments in our lives in which we are more susceptible to lay down “that thing” that is trying to tell us that “something” is not right. I am learning that because we do not always listen to “that thing”, we buy the lesson instead of paying attention to be taught the lesson. A lesson has to be understood before it can be learned, and in turn it must be applied to each situation there after.

Please understand I am not saying that I want to play a violin to a whining statement, but I do want to bring attention to the red flags that we see or hear, then ignore. I am urging you to pay attention to what you know is right. Understand that asking questions or to stand your ground can be hard. Nevertheless the loss of your time, money, or love can be even more difficult.

Do not jeopardize your valuables by not paying attention. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.

Matthew 6:44-45
A Tree and its Fruit
43″For there is no good tree which produces bad fruit, nor, on the other hand, a bad tree which produces good fruit. 44″For each tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they pick grapes from a briar bush. 45″The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart


Pivotal Moments


You suddenly forget that time exists. You’re breathing in and out, in and out; then the feeling of pay attention becomes heavy like a winter coat. The hypnosis of “this” moment won’t break. Nothing seems more vital, and nothing else is crossing your mind. You are trying to take it all in. What is this?

One definition of pivotal describes it as of vital or critical importance. The word “moment” supports the substance of “time” from various angles which stresses its fleeting existence. The initial definition defines moment as instant. We allow life to happen too quickly sometimes, and in that quickness we get only a moment to really plug into those times that were meant to impart a key message to us, direct us another way, or stop us from making the biggest mistake of our lives.

It is time to slow it down. Yesterday I went to a business event that was clearly my pivotal moment. The drive and ambition in that room was off the charts!!! I could not sit still enough to capture all that was being said. This moment was for me. This business event imparted to me a message that I have been hearing in my spirit a long time; move! Along with the confirmation of it being the time to “grow up on a whole other level”. Simultaneously God was confirming for me know that I had everything that I needed to allow the greatness IN me, to become the greatness that is now IN the earth doing what it was meant to do, and helping who it was destined to help. Ideas began to flow. My heart was standing at attention. In that moment truth was confronting me. I have not been doing what I am supposed to be doing. I don’t have an excuse.

How comfortable are you with confrontation? How comfortable are you with having to confront yourself? Have you done so lately? A true pivotal moment will cause this. You will have to confront yourself. You will have to get comfortable with doing it. You must do it sooner, rather than later or you could miss it. Do not miss not one more of your pivotal moments! Open your eyes and ears to what is being shown or spoken to you. God does have a plan for you. Wisdom is what we need to understand when we are in that moment because it won’t always be a feeling attached to it.

Proverbs 1:2-3 (NLT) Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline,
to help them understand the insights of the wise.
3 Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives,
to help them do what is right, just, and fair.

Why is Your Top Floof so Floofeh?

Ok so funny and cute!

One………. Last……….Cry


How many times must I shed “these” tears? You’ve thought it. I’ve thought it. The truth is, there is not an exact answer to that because each moment of life is so very unpredictable. They will come without warning. When they come, they will not fall the same way, nor will they allow evidence of their presence to go unnoticed. One….last….cry? Is it possible?

Psalms 56:8 says, You number my wanderings;Put my tears into Your bottle…(NKJV). Every tear that I have cried over this divorce is within my Father’s care. The thought comforts me. I wonder does my jar ever overflow? Is each jar labeled with the different reasons of why I have shed them? Where does God keep them? Maybe you have never heard this scripture before, but it calls out to you to ponder if your tears are also in God’s care as well. Yes they are. The scripture says that God cared enough to collect them. So I am at peace with saying that since He cared enough to collect them, then He must care enough to tend to the reasons that they were cried.

Each woman or man healing from the rejection, the betrayal and fear of divorce, understand that God knows. The tears that you have cried are a part of the process. “Those” tears are those marked by the death of one becoming two again and the ripping apart is painful. Will tomorrow hold your one last cry? Most likely not, but understand that each tear has and will be accounted for.

Trust and believe your healing is happening right now. Be encourage, because for the next second after you read this, rejoice that you just made it through another moment. Keep going!

Oh Teacher, Teacher!

Sooooooooo cute!

Holding For Who?


Women! Men! Listen! Who are you holding for? Are they worth it? Why are you waiting? Is that person not able to run along side of you? If not, then why are you holding? Again…holding for who?

Many will be able to relate to the desire to have someone. Even if that someone is wearing corrective shoes. Corrective shoes in of themselves is purposed to correct a problem. Ask yourself, what is the problem? Then ask how long are they going to have to wear them? The answers may be deal-breakers. The truth is being with someone who is not necessarily on your level is not bad if you have the right plan or the right person in place. However Please understand that the act of helping someone elevate themselves in life is a noble gesture, but you can’t do the work for them, and you can’t stop your own progress.

There is a rap song that states “If you saw the stairs that I was climbing, then why didn’t you follow?” If you are with someone who is full of potential but lack follow through, consistency or action then you have to drop them off at the corner of “dream” and “hope”. Because in essence that is where their potential is. They talk a good game but have no intention of playing in it. It is great that they have a dream and some hope but they must also have what I call that achievement-drive so that hope and drive can birth greatness in their life, which will in turn be “y’all” lives together.

Again….holding for who? Hold for no one. Keep it moving. When you do, look to the left. Look to the right to see whose there. Is that person with you? It is okay that they may be out of breath. At least it shows their effort to stay in the race with you. If they are not breaking a sweat or even able to keep up, kindly keep going! You can check for injuries later. Never make excuses for the “sideliners”. They are choosing to be there!

1 Corinthians 9:24 (NLT)
Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win!

Run to win, and run with a person that wants to win also!

A Loaf of Bread


Why are you crying with that loaf of bread under your arms? This is what my mother would ask me. I wanted to respond to her, “This loaf of bread is not what I want! I want the loaf of bread that I see under “her” arm or under “his” arm!” Until I finally realized……that they were crying too.

Each and every thing that we feel like we “lack” would be the “plenty” in someone else’s life. I realize that now. The pain of this major life shift has not only rippled and changed my relationship status, but it has attempted to render headless my future hopes and dreams. What does one do when they wake up in a purple room that was pink when they went to sleep? Try to repaint it? MMMM I don’t really know. But I know that this is what divorce can seem like. One day all was well enough. The next, nothing is good enough.

I could allow that to completely take me out, but then I would have to forget about the loaf of bread under my arms. So let me just take this from under my arms and actually look at it. Upon further inspection my loaf seems to include some good stuff; slices of hope, healing, new experiences, growth, new friendships, God’s promises to me, a dream that is ready for me to possess it, and what I call “one-step-strength”. This divorce was not in my plans but I am determined that it will not be my destruction. Anything that I failed to do, I forgive myself. Anything that has been done to me, I am choosing to forgive. All whom I felt forget me, I forget it and release them. The people waiting for me to come get them from the pain that I was in, I am on my way!

I know their life seems better than yours; but is it really? Look a little closer. Why are they crying with the loaf that you want? Re-evaluate how you see your loaf. Take all the bread out of your package and look at it. What does it seem to be missing? Probably not as much as you think. One more look with God’s eyes and you will perhaps finally be able to see how satisfying your loaf really is. Don’t close your eyes and heart to what is in front of you.

Ecclesiastes 4:4
Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind.

Friendship & Divorce


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…Okay! You may be thinking did Jay really need all of that?! Yes I did. You may also be thinking….. Jay is a little dramatic! I would answer, “Yes a little.” LOL This subject is a sensitive one for me so I am going to try to be as objective as possible.

Over the last couple of days and even today I have had a few discussions about the lack of friendship support one can experience when going through a divorce. One of my readers wrote to me and told me how her friend, now divorced, was of course going to the same church as her “then” husband”. As it turns out, she continued to go to that church. Now, after the divorce her “then friends” began ignoring her along with her children! Please understand that I know that this is not everyone’s story. So in my best attempt to be fair, I am going to say that there are fellow divorcees that I have met that say their friends had been very supportive. So as one can see, it is on a case by case basis in which friendship does NOT survive divorce.

In my case friendships did not. I was supported by some Previous acquaintances in a VERY long distance way. What do I mean by long distance? Long distance support is texting, a phone call once a month or two, or the occasional LIKE on a Facebook post. There was little to no physical contact, or invitations to lunch, a movie or a trip. NOT ONE! I did not quite understand why, but in an attempt to understand I did get some feedback as to perhaps why this may have happened. One, some married couples do not want singles (men or women) around their spouses. That person is seen as a threat. Two, they are busy with their lives and they do not have time. Three, they really do not know what to say to you. Four, they have taken the other person’s side. Five, maybe they did not like you in the first place and the divorce was an opportunity to separate from you. Finally, six they liked your ex and now that it is over, they see it as an opportunity for themselves!

No matter what the reason, it is hurtful when you lose that support. There were times I wished that any of my OLD friends would be hands-on with their support of me because it would have helped me to keep some sense of normalcy during my transition to singlehood. Everything just changed in an instant; no husband, new place to live, new phone number, no job, and finally no friends. Because I did not receive that support it forced me to want to be a better friend myself. It even caused me to reflect on times that friendship had been extended to me, and because I thought I had enough “friends”, failed to respond properly. So I decided to begin to listen better. I began being even more honest and available for others. I stopped using the “I am too busy or was to busy” excuse for not returning a call.

The best advice I can give to others that have friends that are going through a divorce is to be there. Invite that person to a dinner or simply listen to what they have to say–no matter how many times they say the same thing. Trauma repeats itself until one accepts it. So they will repeat relive the experience from time to time. Be available. Be willing to go the extra mile. Check on them. Tell them that you care and NEVER, NEVER IF YOU ARE MARRIED, (UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN DIVORCED PREVIOUSLY) SAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND. You could not possibly. So just be the friend you would want someone to be to you, if it were you.

Proverbs 17:17 A friend is always loyal,and a brother is born to help in time of need. (NLT)

“The Get Even Spirit” *AKA* Revenge


The get even spirit desires to “get even” with everything and everyone. Every situation becomes a confrontation. Everything! The spirit of revenge does not just settle for the person or thing that it originally had the issue with. I noticed that when I wanted to “get even” with those that I felt deserted me or hurt me; it began to birthed a “get even” attitude with each driver on the road, every business that I had to deal with and each person is my life. My new focus became to never allow anyone to get over on me again, to never take advantage of me again. I was scorned and the “get even” spirit raged
in me and supported the hostility within me. I wanted everyone to know how important I was, and how they could not just hurt me like that and get away with it. I was going to be a success and they were not going to be a part of my life. Since I could not carry out the rage in my heart; I would then punish them by removing my love. Note this: when any dream of success is fueled with this, it becomes a chore to achieve versus a joy to do. It can kill your dream and scatter the energy to do it in to the wrong places.

This has been a horrible prison to be in because I am always on guard. The biggest fortress has been built around my heart. It is as if a doorman has been employed to sit at the door of it. His job is to watch for any possible intrusions. Those intrusions’ have the ability to expose my “weaknesses”; stuff like compassion, forgiveness, love, and humility. “The doorman” has his instructions. He knows who are allowed to receive those things from me. Not just anyone can. You see, those intrusions could not be tolerated because they would soften me and would make me subject to more hurt. I did not want that. No one deserved anything from me.

As the tears fall from my face I realize that the bitterness has taken a toll. I am impatient and often difficult in circumstances in which the chaos of this attitude could be avoided. Upon realizing this, my fear is still will it happen again? Most likely it will because people are not perfect and neither am I. I have discovered that I punish people by taking away my love from them. My friendship becomes no longer available. My support goes absent. When I get hurt by people I take away the one thing that I know is the best part of me; my heart. However God spoke to me and said that the heart He gave me and the love in it belongs to Him. I do not have the right to choose who to love with it, or who to forgive with it.
As I close I understand that hurt rages. An apology sometimes does very little. The hurt we often cause one another are carried around for years. Do lounge around in revenge. Do not flirt with it. It is not something that you can contain. Revenge is never satisfied and leaves you empty. It does not rest. It wants all of your attention and demands your energy. It is easier said than done but you and I must surrender it to God. He can uproot the root of revenge and give you the peace you need. God has got it all under control. Your hurt and pain does not go unnoticed by Him. He does see it, acknowledges it, and ready to heal you from it.

My prayer: Okay I surrender right here in the pain. I surrender in the disappointment, in the betrayal and in the abandonment that I feel. As the pain seeps through me I cry because it really hurts God. I really feel hurt. My mind is ready to rest. My heart is ready to let go. I need You to help me pick up the pieces. I need You to help me to be able to be a friend again. I need Your help to love people without the pretense of them doing everything right. I need Your help to rest again. Heal me. Heal the person reading this right now. I pray the same thing over their mind and heart right now. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.